Little Bird

Dear R,

You are a sparkle on a dark night. I know life is going to change shortly, so I thought I should write down that time you lit up my life at 3am.

You woke in the dark of the night, your little voice echoing through the monitor, whispering, "mama... mama..." You're not one to wake in the middle of the night, so when your voice crept through the speakers, I knew I should come to you.

I live every day day now in awe of your growth. No longer do you need me like you once did. You tell me daily, "I do it, mama" and then prove to me that, in fact, you can. I've learned to no longer see a baby, but rather a "big girl." And you revel in the "big girl."

But that night you looked so small, like the baby I wished I could hold onto for a moment longer. You had been having tummy troubles for the past few days and you were again. I swooped you up in my arms and held you close. You wrapped your arms tight around my neck and nuzzled your head against mine. You sighed, a sweet small sigh. You instantly felt better.

It was a long night. You had no concern for my meeting the next morning, my looming plans for busy life I lead. You didn't care. You just didn't want to let go. And I didn't either.

I slowly began to sway back and forth. Your arms clutched tight to neck, slowly began to loosen. You were so small in this moment, so fragile, I thought I should take you back to way back when. 

I began to sing a familiar song. Familiar to me for obvious reasons but familiar to you because you have only ever heard mommy sing it to you on nights like these. 

"Don't worry, about a thing--"

We circled slowly through the shadows of your room--

"Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright--"

Your arm still tight, but with less urgency--

"I said don't worry, about a thing--"

Your special heart beating so close to mine--

We circled the room. I knew I should lay you down. Your breath slowing, a sign you were falling asleep on my shoulder. I kept singing and then kept singing some more, repeating the chorus over and over again. And then, you shocked me.

"Don't worry--"

Your little voice joined in--

"About a thing--"

Singing your version of these familiar words you've heard time and time again--

"Cause every little thing--"

If I could only live in this moment forever--

"Is gonna be alright."

We stopped. I squeezed you tight.

"Are you ready to go back to bed?"

You lifted your head. "Mmmm hmmm."

After I laid you back down and gently closed your door, I stood in the hallway for a moment. I didn't want to leave. Though the lights were off and I could hardly see your face, for those brief moments, you lit up the room with your mere presence.

I don't have much else to say, I just hope you hold onto that throughout your life. It makes your who you are and you are who I love. Though you'll never remember this moment, I'll never forget it.

So keep singing, big girl, keep singing--

"Singing sweet songs. Of  melodies pure and true..."

Love,

Mommy